The Lonesome Death of Party-Girl

Tuesday night, I broke up with R. To tell the truth, it went better than expected. I cried a lot, and apologized profusely, and she nodded and said she understood. She didn't cry at all, or even look particularly shaken up. Apparently, the worst-case scenario she had played out in her head of how that conversation would go was far worse than anything I said to her. She anticipated that this conversation might take place, and was ready to accept it when it did.

It was the first time I've ever broken up with someone. In my previous life, I was always the breakee. It didn't always come as a surprise, so sometimes when I was dumped, my reaction was simply, "oh, okay," but many other times it was a huge slap in the face. Many times, it hurt. It usually sucked for me, and I expected it to suck just as bad for her. When she didn't get emotional, I wasn't really sure what to do. I think I'd have been more comfortable if she'd at least looked shocked or disappointed.

Moving Up, Moving Out

It's an odd thing, really, living life as a proud, outspoken transwoman. I'm constantly trying to walk the line between being out to people, and just wanting to live the life as an ordinary woman that I've always sought out.

On one hand, there's a very big part of me that recoils at even the idea of being stealth - even just for a minute. What does it say about my principles when I can be standing on a soapbox one moment, telling the cis community about trans people, while the next minute, I'm making no mention of it, and muttering, "Don't mind me, I'm just an ordinary girl like any other ordinary girl! Nothing strange here!" as I sneak through some social situation? In what way does stealthing at all help increase the visibility of the transgender community? Also, why should I be ashamed of who and what I am? Why should I hide it? What reason, other than physical peril, is there to be stealth?

Solace

I want to post something really inspirational. I want to put fingers to keyboard, and let the muse take over, and type out the most eloquent blog post ever written, that will change the tides of society and make everything better for transpeople everywhere. I want to move mountains with my words, soothe souls with my comforts, and change hearts with an utterance of wisdom so deep, it would make a calloused man weep.

I want to, but I won't. Not tonight. Tonight, I need to take care of myself.

Le Petit Mort

It has come that time again to have a frank and educational discussion on sexuality. My own knowledge and experience on the matter has grown since the last time I brought this topic up, and some new questions have been brought up by various other transpeople in my life. I feel it's relevant to address the topic again.

This is yet another "TMI" post. If you do not want to discuss sexuality in frank, somewhat explicit terms, for the purpose of education, then please read no further. Mom and dad - this means you. If - and only if - you wish to know more about my experiences dealing with dysphoria and hormonal changes and how they related to my sexual functionality post-transition, then read on. Mom and dad - this also means you, but only if you really want to know these things about your daughter. Either way, I respect your choice.

NSFW content to follow. There are no pictures, but frank discussion of sexuality and sexual acts takes place below the cut. Proceed with caution. You have been warned.

Signposts

I really only figured out I was trans - and then, only really crossdressing but still identifying male - when I was about 26. Even at the time, and for years after, I thought I was just indulging a bit of a fantasy or fetish, and had no idea I had uncovered the tip of a very big ice burg. As the years went on, and I had my breakthrough epiphany (read: nervous breakdown) that I didn't just want to dress like a girl, but rather, to be a girl, I began reflecting back on my life, and wondering how the hell it took me nearly 30 years to figure this out about myself. The fact that it had taken me so long was the source of much of my self-doubt about transitioning; Was I fooling myself? I mean, if I were a girl inside, wouldn't I have known that all my life? Isn't that the kind of thing one notices?

Voice Training

Hey everyone! Look what I did!

Yes, I only posted 3 times in the entire month of February. That's not what I'm talking about.

What? No, to hell with February! It's pretty much the worst month ever, and it doesn't deserve my blogging expertise! Get past the whole "February was a drought, where have you been, I needed your blog so badly," argument. Seriously. I have something interesting to show you.