Passing Thoughts, pt.4

I'm feeling much better now. I know this last month has been a torrent of emotion for me, both good and bad, and a lot of dysphoric feelings have been clawing at my soul. I eventually broke down and cried my heart out for an evening, sobbing from the despair of it all. Luckily, R was there to comfort me (even if I did ruin her plans for the evening) and it did wonders to release the pressure. I didn't feel quite 100% like I usually do afterward, but it was much more tolerable the next day. A week later, after bad thoughts were still rolling around in my head, I used my blog for writing therapy and that seems to have done the trick. I'm back to my old self again.

Questions and Answers

A friend of mine asked if it was alright to interview me for her class on Diversity. Of course, I agreed, and she was nice enough to email me the questions she'd be asking me ahead of time. I thought these questions were all very good, so I decided to answer them and post them here. Enjoy!

FML

You'd think I'd be happier. I've been living in my chosen role for months now. I recently had a party for my friends to celebrate my first year of HRT, making Sara a reality. I'm dating again, and very happy in my current relationship. I don't generally get read when I go out, and if I do, I either don't notice or nobody makes any stink out of it. As the lives of transgendered people go, life is pretty good.

But, I really think that's the problem. I measure my success in life by how many bullshit landmines I can avoid that cisgendered people do not have to. "I didn't get the shit beaten out of me when I went to the lady's room this afternoon" is not an accomplishment. It is not anything to be proud of... and lately, that simple truth has really been rubbing me the wrong way.

Passing Thoughts, pt.3

I don't have anything major to write about, tonight, but I thought I'd just toss out some various life updates so you all don't think I'm dead or bored with my blog... or dead and bored with my blog. I've had some stuff to say, but a good chunk of it is too personal to post up on the internet for all to read, so you'll be getting the edited down, Reader's Digest version.

Insecurities, Pt.2

I cried again, the other night.

It wasn't anything earth-shaking, that I was crying about, but it was apparently enough to push me over that edge. I had a pretty rough night up to that point, and I was already having a bit of a mood swing, to boot. My work-week ended with a co-worker apologizing for telling me that one of my suitors "must be desperate... or just flat out of options," for wanting me. (it only took him 2 weeks to say this to me, and he wasn't man enough to say it in front of anyone else - that cheapened the whole experience for me.) What made this even more painful for me was the fact that I had to explain to this guy why such a thoughtlessly hurtful comment had upset me so much. It's something that would have been hurtful to anyone, really, but to someone who's trans, who has spent any significant time considering the option of suicide, because if they transition, nobody will ever want them again because they'll be a freak, it's a pretty rough reminder of my place in things.