Insecurities

Today I cried.

It wasn't a lot, and it wasn't for anything serious. Nobody died, and I didn't spend my entire day wallowing in tears. I spent the night at R's place, sleeping next to her, and from the moment I woke up, I felt off, emotionally. Something seemed to be amiss, but I could not put my finger on what it was. Something was chewing on me.

Later, after we had eaten breakfast, sat browsing the internet on our respective laptops for a bit, and she'd danced through the shower, I lay on her bed. She was looking down at me from above, sitting next to me petting my hair, and she noticed my mood was less than stellar. She asked, "What's the matter?" and I told her, "I don't know... I guess, I just..."

And then I began to cry.

Visions of the Past

I was cuddled up on the couch with R the other night, and we got talking about her writing. I was reading a blog entry she had made on one of the social networking sites we belong to, and I was commenting that we'd been dating for a good few months now, and we'd been friends for several more, and this was really the first time I'd read her writing. We talked about how much of it was on her LiveJournal, and that most of it was friend-locked anyway, so unless I had a LJ account, I would be unable to read it. I thought about this for a second, and realized that - although I hadn't written in it in close to 5 years, I used to have one, and wondered it if were still there. I typed in the URL for it, and there it was - complete with a five year old picture of me relaxing in a hot tub, beard and all.

My Feminine Manifesto

I got to thinking the other day, though, while I was in the shower, about where I fit into the trans community, and whether or not I help or hinder it. You see, I had just done a 30 minute workout for the first time (incidentally, if anyone sees Jillian Michaels on the street, tell her I hate her, please) and my legs were absolutely JELL-O. I then took the names of Jillian Michaels and a few assorted Deities that had nothing to do with the issue in vain as I tried to shave my legs. It occurred to me that I was going to great lengths, through great physical discomfort, just so that I could conform to a gender norm.

Autumn is the new Spring

So I've lately run into an interesting problem. Okay, problem may be over-stating the issue... I've run into an interesting situation. Within the last two months, I've been hit on more than I have in my entire life, collectively to this point. I've forged a great relationship with R, and I've even been asked out by someone else. The only problem is, I have had absolutely no preparation for this, and I have no idea how to process any of it!

Sex Education

Okay, I've been holding off on this topic for a long time, but I think it's something that bears talking about, and I think that I can handle it delicately enough that we can all have a mature discussion on the topic. Today, I'm going to talk about sex as a trans-person. Keep in mind, this is entirely MY experience and thoughts on the subject, and other people's thoughts and experiences on this topic may vary wildly. So, without further adieu, here we go...