I've come to know a good many other transgirls along my own personal journey. Often, I was the one who was the student, asking them questions and taking notes of the answers. I've spent so long in this roll, that even though I have transitioned pretty much completely, I am still a little caught off guard when another transgirl comes to me for advice or guidance or support. Don't get me wrong - I try to always be there for my friends, and goodness knows us transgirls can always use a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen - but that doesn't make it any less surreal for me.
Jun 27, 2011
Jun 25, 2011
Escaping the Past, Embracing the Future
There was some drama this week. Now, I make it my policy not to name names, or spill long and involved bitch sessions stories about people who have pissed me right the hell off made me unhappy, so I'll just say that the situation is handled, the person knows what they did wrong, and what will happen if there's a repeat performance. The situation cost me roughly $330 of money I don't have, and will most likely never see returned to me.
That's fine. Money is just stuff. Stuff can be replaced. I can always make more money, I just have to work some overtime.
I think, however, what really pushed me over the edge on this one - what made me feel violated - was that, in dealing with this particular collection company I was forced to pay off, I had to interact with them as my former self. That old name was on the loan, that name is on the social security number attached to that loan, and that was the person they expected to talk to. So, I compromised myself, and spoke to them as the man they were looking for, not the woman he had become. What's worse, is I did this in front of my coworker. It was terribly embarrassing, and it almost made me cry right there in National Coney Island at lunch.
In and of itself, it wasn't exactly a pretty situation, but it did get me desperately wondering if I'd ever truly escape my past. Will there ever be a day, some time in the future, where there is nobody who wishes to speak to the me that was? I sure as hell hope so, because I realized one other very simple truth to being full-time female: Even talking in a male voice is enough to wreck my next two days. This cannot be a regular thing. That day in the future better not be too far away!
And what of the future? Well, there are some honest to goodness concrete developments there!
First, my extended family now knows about me, and are nearly all loving and supportive - I trust future engagements will be understandably awkward, but at least I can show my face at them and expect something far more welcoming than being written out of wills.
Second, my official name change is waiting on the lightning fast speed of GOVERNMENT to set a court date for my hearing. I'll finally be able to buy booze again without potentially putting myself in danger by pulling out my current ID! Yay!
Third, dating... ahh, dating! How dost thou confuse and confound me? Well, suffice to say, through all the emotional ups and downs, my Gentleman and I are seeing quite a bit more eye-to-eye due largely to the long walk-n-talks we've taken recently. Some really great conversation has taken place, and I feel far more at peace with the relationship than I did just earlier today. Dating is actually going well!
So, it's not all bad. Sure, I may not be able to get rid of that guy that's been standing in for me for 30ish years completely just yet, but I'm working on him. I need to accept that maybe he's not done with all his business, and accept the inevitability that he may be asked for again. Maybe I need to find a more graceful way of handing his business with less emotional stress on my part. The future, however, looks bright! There's lots of good in the works, and it speaks of great things on the horizon!
That's fine. Money is just stuff. Stuff can be replaced. I can always make more money, I just have to work some overtime.
I think, however, what really pushed me over the edge on this one - what made me feel violated - was that, in dealing with this particular collection company I was forced to pay off, I had to interact with them as my former self. That old name was on the loan, that name is on the social security number attached to that loan, and that was the person they expected to talk to. So, I compromised myself, and spoke to them as the man they were looking for, not the woman he had become. What's worse, is I did this in front of my coworker. It was terribly embarrassing, and it almost made me cry right there in National Coney Island at lunch.
In and of itself, it wasn't exactly a pretty situation, but it did get me desperately wondering if I'd ever truly escape my past. Will there ever be a day, some time in the future, where there is nobody who wishes to speak to the me that was? I sure as hell hope so, because I realized one other very simple truth to being full-time female: Even talking in a male voice is enough to wreck my next two days. This cannot be a regular thing. That day in the future better not be too far away!
And what of the future? Well, there are some honest to goodness concrete developments there!
First, my extended family now knows about me, and are nearly all loving and supportive - I trust future engagements will be understandably awkward, but at least I can show my face at them and expect something far more welcoming than being written out of wills.
Second, my official name change is waiting on the lightning fast speed of GOVERNMENT to set a court date for my hearing. I'll finally be able to buy booze again without potentially putting myself in danger by pulling out my current ID! Yay!
Third, dating... ahh, dating! How dost thou confuse and confound me? Well, suffice to say, through all the emotional ups and downs, my Gentleman and I are seeing quite a bit more eye-to-eye due largely to the long walk-n-talks we've taken recently. Some really great conversation has taken place, and I feel far more at peace with the relationship than I did just earlier today. Dating is actually going well!
So, it's not all bad. Sure, I may not be able to get rid of that guy that's been standing in for me for 30ish years completely just yet, but I'm working on him. I need to accept that maybe he's not done with all his business, and accept the inevitability that he may be asked for again. Maybe I need to find a more graceful way of handing his business with less emotional stress on my part. The future, however, looks bright! There's lots of good in the works, and it speaks of great things on the horizon!
Jun 21, 2011
A busy month
June has been a busy month. I'll skip the formality of apologizing for not posting for three weeks and jump right to what's been on my plate - 'cuz it's a LOT. Pride festivals; family outings; and, apparently, dating are all filling my time, leaving none for me to blog about it!
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