My alarm went off at 5:30 this morning.
Those of you who know me, know what an amazing and rare thing this is. You know it must be important for it to do that. I assure you, good readers, it is. Today, I'm going to the Oakland County courthouse, and having my name legally changed to Sara Danielle Jakubowski.
It's a little difficult to describe how I feel about this. When I was first getting the paperwork for it filed back in early June, there was this sense of elation, which died down once the waiting on various government offices and another paycheck hit me. By the time the actual court date rolled around, I was certainly happy, of course, but I wasn't nervous. One of my close trans friends called me last night - who will be going with me this morning - to ask me how I was doing, and my answer was unflappably, "fine."
As I lay down to sleep though (which is, of course, where all my emotional and philosophical thoughts happen; when I'm trying to sleep) the gravity of the situation hit me. I wasn't just playing around anymore, or making minor cosmetic changes to my body, or taking some pills that slightly alter my body chemistry. I was getting the state involved in my transition. I was going before a judge in the morning, and stating my intention to actually alter legal documents, and have all new identification issued for me. I was telling the state that I wanted to BE Sara. It was, in the very definition of the word, OFFICIAL.
I had a moment where I looked at that truth, and faltered at the enormity of it. Here it was. No turning back! My whole future ahead of me, and... And nothing. I had never once looked back in regret on my transition. Quite the opposite, I had quite often looked back on it and said, "Hell yes, I made the right choice!" Why on earth would I stop now, just because words like court and judge were intimidating? I quickly dismissed the anxiety, and once I had done that, sleep followed mercifully.
... and ended just as abruptly at 5:30 this morning.
Now that it is the morning of, I'm feeling that same sort of anxiety again, but it's not the anxiety of, "do I really want to do this," but more of the, "here I go, I hope I don't screw this up," sort. Today marks just another milestone in a lifelong journey I've committed myself to, and I look forward to others like it.