Sep 19, 2013

State of the Sara Address

Good afternoon, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone between and otherwise. Thank you for joining me on such short notice for this State of the Sara address.

I'm going to begin by issuing a disclaimer : This post is just to tell everyone how I'm doing, and the factors dictating that state of being. This is not a cry for help. I'm okay, really. I am depressed, but I'm conscious of it, and I will get through it. I am not so depressed that I will do anything harmful. Please do not be concerned.

That said : I'm depressed.

May 24, 2013

Quest for the Grail

My dream is coming true. I have my date for surgery scheduled, August 5th of this year.

So this is it. I'm now just over 2 months away from the "end" of my transition. The Holy Grail, so to speak.Whereas I am overjoyed at the prospect of this finally happening - and I thought it might never - I am feeling a lot of other emotions that I didn't quite count on.

Initially, of course, before any of it comes true, it's easy to romanticize the surgery. You dream about the final result, and not what needs to be done for it to become reality. We all talk about surgery like it's as simple as plugging in a new hard drive on your computer. Human bodies, however, don't simply have expansion slots that take 5 minutes of work with a screwdriver, but until you're faced with the reality of it all, this is easy to forget.

Apr 25, 2013

Pulse Check

I'm not dead. I just wanted to let you all know.

I've more or less been on hiatus from my blog, for a number of reasons I'm going to attempt to detail here. This hiatus wasn't exactly planned, it just sort of happened, and I'm not even sure - in spite of my writing this blog post toda - that it's actually over. Apparently, I need to reevaluate some things in my life currently.
First and foremost, I want to apologize to my readership for dropping off the face of the earth so unexpectedly. What started as a combination of being busy, having a boyfriend, and enough writer's block to keep me from sitting down at my keyboard and saying, "I have to put this in my blog," snowballed into dead silence from me. I know some people have come to this blog as a form of support, moreso than a clever distraction or entertaining read, and I didn't give you much warning that I wouldn't be there when you needed me.

Jul 12, 2012

The Star

Occasionally, I'll read, or have read for me, my tarot. I don't rely on it as a source of information, and I don't think the cards have any great mystical powers to tell the future. I do, however, think they're a great tool for examining your current situation, and looking for truths that may not be so obvious to you - like a mirror, for your life. A common practice, when reading the cards, is to use a significator - a card that represents you, to center the reading around.

Jul 9, 2012

Darkness

I'm reminded, yet again, that dysphoria doesn't follow any specific rules. It doesn't wait for a specific trigger, and it doesn't go away. It follows trends, a lot of times. That is to say, certain images or words tend to be triggering for me, certain situations I may find myself in, and certain aspects of my body tend to be triggering, but there's no absolute rules about what will or will not trigger me at any given moment. Sometimes, dysphoria just happens.

Jul 6, 2012

The Limelight

When I was questioning my gender identity all those years ago, I had no role models. I didn't know what transgender even meant. I knew I liked feeling like a girl, and dressing like a girl, but I had no idea what that meant, and there was nobody standing in the limelight other than Eddy Izzard (who, I don't think really counts) for me to look at and say, "Yeah, I'm like that person! I'm not alone!"

It took me years to finally sort out what exactly was going on inside my head. In that time, a single, solitary trans person emerged and stepped into the public spotlight - Chaz Bono. However, I still couldn't really count Mr. Bono as a role model, though, because his transgender journey took him in an opposite direction from me; from female to male instead of male to female. I couldn't look to him and think, "He knows what it's like to feel like a woman deep down inside." Ironically, nothing could be further from the truth - Chaz made his transition because he had no idea what the felt like.

Jun 26, 2012

Passing Thoughts 10

Over the last two weeks or so since my last post, I've been suffering from some pretty severe writer's block. I've written, erased, rewritten, edited, erased, abandoned, and rewritten a post in that time. I would walk away from it, then come back later and reread what I'd written, and always thought it was rambling drivel. So, I've decided to just write another "Passing Thoughts," so I can get the jumbled tangle of thoughts out of my head and onto the virtual page. Hopefully that will clear my writer's block up, and I can get back to writing about things that matter. We shall see.